Shedding Your Sexual Shame
Don't think those kinds of "nasty" thoughts. Masturbation is "bad". Only whores dress that way. Porn is for perverts. Many of us grew up with these beliefs hammered into our brains. Some with a 9-pound hammer, while others may have been more subtle.
These beliefs may have come from your church, your parents, your school, or what you picked up from the society around you. Wherever it came from, these types of thoughts can cause sexual shame, which can cause real problems. Believe me, I know.
What is Sexual Shame?
Shame is what's considered to be a social emotion. We learn to feel ashamed because we were told we did, said, thought, or felt something wrong or 'sinful'. It isn’t bad enough that we’re taught that our choices were not just wrong but that they made us a "bad" person. The thing is, shame is feeling bad about yourself, while guilt, a similar emotion, is tied to feeling bad about what you've done.
Sexual shame takes that wrongness of who you are and applies it to your sexual nature, desires, fantasies, or acts. It's important to point out that no one is born feeling ashamed. People learn to think things like anal sex are 'bad'. That’s a learned emotion. Something someone, or society, has pushed upon you. If you grew up in church, you probably had the whole story of Sodom and Gomorrah shoved down your throat.
How Does Sexual Shame Happen?
There are about 1001 ways, I'm sure, for sexual shame to happen, and I'm sure there are a lot of really smart psychiatrists who've written papers on the subject. But a lot comes from the social and cultural impact we feel. Society can label women a slut on the one hand and a prude on the other. C’mon, which is it? Depending on the personality type and other factors in a person's life, those labels could strongly affect a person's identity. Society sends so many mixed messages that leave people confused while they try to figure it all out and fit into the perfect fucking mold. Where’s the balance? Are you gonna be the Whore of Babylon or a nun who forsakes all physical contact?
Sex is so confusing. It's used to sell everything from salsa to car insurance, and yet you can't educate people on it. Not just kids in high school, either. You can't make YouTube or TikTok videos about it and expect not to get your content flagged. Society doesn't want to talk about it, especially here in America. It's a big ole' no-no, which feeds into the shame. So we see it but aren't allowed to talk about it? Ummm...Ok???
Then there's what, for many people, is their earliest memory of sexual shame. Masturbation. Being caught as a child, even as young as 3 or 4, touching our ‘naughty’ bits and being told not to do it can create lasting memories that it's bad. There used to even be horrible things said about it causing blindness or hair to grow on the palm of your hand. Can you imagine having that shame and fear? If you went blind or grew hairy palms, everyone would know you masturbated, and then you would just die on the spot as a kid, right?
And while, as an adult, you may know everyone masturbates and no longer believe in silly wives' tales, there's still shame built around self-gratification.
Other sexual shame can come from beliefs taught by the church. This is where A LOT of sexual shame comes from-especially for the LBGTQ community. Also, in some religions, women are taught to be submissive and non-sexual because their only purpose is to have children and serve their husband's needs.
Another big area of sexual shame is surrounding sexual abuse-as if the trauma of abuse isn't enough, the effects of shame can last a lifetime. And sexual abuse isn’t just acted out against children. There are a lot of adults-men and women-who face sexual abuse in their relationships, causing all kinds of shameful feelings.
What Does Sexual Shame Look Like?
Sexual shame can look like a lot of things. There are 6 basic signs of sexual shame, according to experts, and you can have all of these or just one. There's really no one-size-fits-all.
Insecurity
This is a big one. Both women and men suffer from the insecurity of their bodies, but according to research, women who are insecure about the appearance of their genitalia experience huge amounts of insecurity and judgment during and after sex. Feeling insecure during sex will definitely ruin your groove, leading to zero orgasms. HUGE loss there.
Men also suffer from insecurity surrounding the size of their penis. People talk about ‘big dick energy’ equating penis size with how powerful a man is like that is some kind of true marker. Instead of worrying about size, the focus should be on how to best use what you got. Fuck the comparison game and worrying about who got the short end of the stick. I think most gals (and guys) will agree-quality over quantity.
Diminished Sense of Self
Sexual shame can lead to a diminished sense of self. This shows up in the real world in how you carry yourself-hunching your shoulders or slouching to make yourself seem small, crossing your arms to protect yourself, failure to make eye contact. It doesn't stop there, of course. It carries over into the bedroom, too. When carrying sexual shame, you might not make noise during sex or be afraid to express sexual desires or needs.
Dysfunction and/or Dissatisfaction
Healing sexual shame allows those orgasms to flow freely. Sexual shame can ruin your ability to see fireworks. I had so much sexual shame to deal with from childhood trauma to losing my virginity to date rape, and that really fucked me up until I dealt with my sexual shame. Orgasms were elusive, and when I tried to seek medical help, I was told, “Welcome to married life.” Seriously, like wtf? We didn’t have the internet for me to seek outside help, and Gen Xers didn’t know the meaning of therapy back then. I had to wait until I was 40 years old to actually discover that my body would respond and that I wasn’t broken! By that time, the internet was a thing, and my life was changed by coming (pun intended) upon the recommendations for the OG Hitachi Magic Wand! Life Changing!!!
Intimacy
Sexual shame can show up through avoiding intimacy. This could be never allowing for a close relationship where intimacy is on the table, in a perpetual state of one-night stands and booty calls, or in a relationship where you've built walls, enforced limits, and have strict boundaries in place. You may date the same person for 10 years without moving the relationship to the next level. You can also be like I was, hypersexual in my teens and early 20s but incapable of reaching orgasm. That sucks, and I give it 1-star, do not recommend. It takes trust to build intimacy, and people with sexual shame don’t really have that trust factor.
Sex is Dirty
Your experiences have left you thinking sex is 'bad', 'dirty' or that you shouldn't do it so that when you do, there is a massive amount of guilt. You might immediately run for the shower to wash that dirty feeling off you. This could happen with any sex act, whether alone or with another person. Releasing sexual shame will help you let that freak flag fly high.
Say Nothing
When experiencing sexual shame, you may not be able to even talk about sex. You may feel anxious or embarrassed when the subject comes up. It isn't just embarrassment when YOU talk about it but hearing anyone talk about it sends you into overload. All systems fail.
The thing is, you may experience any one of these, but sex will still cross your mind because it is natural and instinctual. It's impossible not to think about sex. When you inevitably have those thoughts, it will feed the cycle if you don't work on healing sexual shame.
Does Male Sexual Shame Exist?
When you think of sexual shame, it's normal/habit/whatever to think first of women. But men experience it too. Matter-of-fact, studies are showing that male sexual shame is actually growing, not lessening.
Because of cultural shifts and modern-day societal changes, men are feeling more displaced in their sexuality, studies show.
Men have a lot to live up to, and new cultural shifts are adding more to it. The Me Too movement has left a lot of men confused, and not just men who should be put on notice, but men who don't want to be perceived as lecherous. So they hide their desire instead of expressing them.
Male sexual abuse is largely ignored by society. Men are also less likely than women to report abuse or discuss it, yet statistics show 1 in 6 men have been sexually abused. That’s a whole lot of shame blocking the healing process.
Men also suffer insecurities around their bodies, sexual performance, and whether or not their desires fit into the sexual "norm" or not-are they being pervy, or is what they want ‘acceptable’?
Is Overcoming Sexual Shame a Possibility?
Overcoming sexual shame is definitely possible, and it's so fucking liberating when you do. I did it, took me very long time to come to an understanding that multiple life experiences and societal messaging had me buried me with so much shame, but I’m proof you can move beyond the bullshit. You'll wonder what took you so damn long to take the first step. Usually, it's because you had no idea what to do to get there.
It runs deep, but healing sexual shame isn't impossible. So what can you do to help overcome sexual shame? Check out the list below.
Practice your sex speak. Say sex-related words out loud, either alone or with a trusted friend. Start with simple words like "vagina" and "penis" if you have to, then work up to more specific sex acts or desires that bring you shameful feelings.
Watch porn. If there are certain desires or fantasies that you're afraid to voice, watch porn that plays out those roles to normalize your feelings.
Replace deep-rooted sex/religious beliefs with sex/spiritual beliefs. Spiritual beliefs are more open and accepting of sexuality and encourage healthy sexual relationships.
Therapy is in! You can always talk with a sex therapist, someone trained and comfortable in discussing the topic of sex and the shame that may be associated with it.
How to Shed Your Inhibitions
Wanna shed your inhibitions? You can start by breaking out of your shell with a boudoir photo shoot. Many people have found intimate photographs to be very liberating and empowering. You never have to share the photos if you don't want to. It can be a completely private experience between you and the photographer. Boudoir photographers are trained to make their subjects look fabulous while feeling safe and at ease.
Booking a Boudoir Photo Session
Booking a women's or men's boudoir photography session is easy, but there are certain things you want to do first. You'll want to visit the photographer's website to do a little research.
Check out their portfolio and their About page to get a feel for them and their work. Don't be afraid to stalk their social media accounts. It gives you an inside view of your photographer and the work they do.
A good photographer (like me) will help you shed your inhibitions while you shed your clothes. It’s ok to strip down to nothing and explore your body because erotic photography is a great (and safe) way to celebrate your sexual self!
What's Next?
Healing from sexual shame is important for growing healthy relationships with yourself and others. You can't go back and change the things that set the shame in motion, but you can take steps to recalibrate those feelings and start fresh.
If you are intrigued by intimate photographs or nude photography and want to delve deeper into that, contact me, and we can talk about whether it's right for you and what you can expect from a shoot.