Over the weekend, beginning July 7, the internet was on fire with the unveiling of texts between professional surfer Sarah Brady and her ex-boyfriend, actor Jonah Hill. What had the world all stirred up over the relationship between these two?

Hill’s use of therapy buzzwords as a means to control and manipulate. 

So much good has occurred over the past several years as more and more people have sought out therapy as a means to heal and improve their mental health. With the use of websites like BetterHelp, therapy with licensed professionals is more assessable than ever. However, there is a negative side to all of it too. 

People who abuse the means of therapy to justify their negative behavior or attempt to mask their narcissistic ways. 

Often these people haven’t even been to therapy themselves. They’ve just latched on to the words that have been popularized and lack the knowledge of how to use them properly, to begin with. 

Many mental health professionals recoil at the incorrect usage of “trauma,” “gaslighting,” “boundaries,” “trigger,” and even made-up words like “mother wound,” says Jacquelyn Tenaglia, a licensed mental health counselor. 

Using the terms incorrectly cheapens the meaning of the well-intentioned use of therapy-speak. Jonah Hill’s texts are a perfect example of what abuse looks like. 

Of course, Hill approved of the photos before they began dating, but it was a whole other story when they became exclusive, and suddenly he became possessive. His texts prove that he used therapy buzzwords as coercive control, a very real aspect of emotional abuse. 

That should have been a red flag to get the fuck out right then and there. But most women are conditioned to conform to their partner’s beliefs of what is right or wrong in the relationship. We overlook those red flags and just think, “Ooh, pretty,” or that it’s a sign he really cares and keep going about our way.

The thing with boundaries, though, is that they aren’t meant to manipulate other people.

Boundaries intended to keep you safe. Your well-being in check. Not say it makes me feel insecure when you’re doing normal everyday things and just living your life so you can’t do x, y, and z if you want to be with me. Nobody needs that shit, I don’t care who you are. 

He waited until they were together to say these things were outside his boundaries. Her profession, her means of supporting herself, didn’t fit within the confines of his idea of a healthy relationship, and if she didn’t meet his criteria, it was a lack of trust-even though she wasn’t the one who changed, he was. 

He hid his jealousy, his need to control, behind popular therapy-speak to justify his warped sense of what made a healthy relationship. Which is laughable at best. 

And while this put a very public male figure on blast, don’t think for one minute that normal everyday men and women all around the world aren’t doing this too. Let this be the light that shines on behavior you never want to see in your relationship. As Brady warns, “This is a warning to all girls. If your partner is talking to you like this, make an exit plan. Call me if you need an ear.” 

And as far as when it’s ok to use therapy buzzwords for your actions? If you’re using them to excuse your behavior or make rules-it’s not. It is never ok.